My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
