he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
