is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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