Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
