This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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