well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
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