He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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