Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
