i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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