But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
