Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
