and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
