I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
