I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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