Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
