just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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