i just wanna soil my oats bro
her vagine was all disorganized.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
