I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
