i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
