I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
