my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Randomize
