Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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