i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
We got so high we made milksteak
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
