Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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