Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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