theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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