im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
