my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
