I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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