Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Randomize
