I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
