Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
