Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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