i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
