good thing vaginas are great cup holders
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
