Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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