dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
