i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
