she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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