This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
