he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
