I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
