just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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