I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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