I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
