apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
