Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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