I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
