Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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