I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
